


breves fabulae

by lolwhat (JkWriter)



Series: incipimus iterum [2]
Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Implied/Referenced Suicide, Suicide Notes
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-21
Updated: 2017-12-31
Packaged: 2019-02-18 05:18:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,245
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13093206
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JkWriter/pseuds/lolwhat
Summary: Evan was getting his second chance but doing so left behind broken people and confusion. {one shots in my retro ad universe}





	1. heidi et jared

Heidi Hansen walked out of her bedroom at 7:48 a.m. on the dot. She had taken to leaving her bedroom minutes before she had to leave for her morning shift in an effort to avoid having to talk to her son. She felt bad. She never wanted their relationship to fall apart like this. She loved Evan, he was her everything, but he had made some mistakes. He hadn’t apologized and Heidi couldn’t bring herself to forgive him just yet. 

She quickly went through the remainder of her morning routine and was ready to walk out the door when she saw it. Evan’s bag sitting next to the door where it had been last night. She sighed. Usually Evan told her when he was taking a health day, even in the recent weeks where they only made strained small talk. 

It was tempting to just leave, go about her day and check on Evan when she got home, but what if it was bad? Heidi needed to know if Evan needed an appointment with Dr. Sherman.

“Evan?” There was no response from upstairs. Heidi sighed and made her way up. “Evan, do you need me to make an appointment with Dr. Sherman?” Silence. 

This was the about the time Heidi started to get worried. Evan never slept in unless he took something in the middle of the night, which he never did unless he had an attack. 

“Evan, honey, are you alright?” She turned the door knob.

Heidi expected a lot of things. She expected Evan to be in bed taking a mental health day. She expected him to have overslept. She didn’t expect this. 

Evan, her son, her baby, collapsed on the ground. She screamed and dropped to his side. Her hands went everywhere, she prayed to find a pulse, something to tell her that it wasn’t too late and that her Evan was still alive (but something inside her knew he wasn’t). 

She did the only thing she knew how to do in that moment. She screamed.

***

Jared wasn’t too happy about going to the Hansen house after school. He hadn’t made plans to talk to Evan until Evan finally apologized for the disaster that was the Connor Project. (He pretended it wasn’t hard not talking to Evan because Evan was his only real friend at school. Sure, he had Alana and Zoe now, but they were only there because they were all mad at Evan and waiting for him to apologize.) The only reason he was going today was because Heidi had texted him asking him to come over, that she needed to talk to him.

He pulled into the driveway and stared at the house. Jared didn’t know why, but something felt off. The flower beds looked like they had been trampled. He hadn’t spoken with Evan in a few weeks but he doubted Evan changed enough to let that happen. 

Jared swallowed down his fears and turned off the car. If he didn’t get out now than he might chicken out and go home. Had it just been Evan who wanted him over it wouldn’t be so bad, but Heidi would surely call his parents. Jared sighed and swung open the car door. He started up to the house when Heidi stepped out. Jared knew something was wrong. Heidi looked like she had been crying, her eyes were red and she just looked so defeated. 

Jared’s heart sunk. Heidi held herself together through her divorce. She held herself together on the nights she’d bring Evan to the Kleinman house so they wouldn’t have to be alone. The only time she broke down was because something was wrong with Evan. Jared had heard her when she called about Evan’s arm, she sounded so tired and started sobbing in the middle of the phone call. 

Something happened to Evan. 

_Evan. Evan.EvanEvanEvan._  
“Ms. Hansen?” 

She broke down. Jared ran the rest of the way to the house and pulled her into a hug. He didn’t have to ask what happened. Jared knew. And knew because he saw it coming. Evan was so alone at school and Jared did nothing. 

"He wrote it to Connor." 

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Imsorry. ImsorryImsorryImsorry.” 

Jared didn’t know who he was apologizing to. Ms. Hansen or Evan. Evan who was so alone he felt like this was the only way out. Evan who thought no one cared about him so he wrote his note to a dead kid.

Evan who he’ll never see again.


	2. tres perditae animae

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Why were the mourning? No one knew Evan, not like he did.

School was quiet. It always had been, but especially now. Everyone was mourning for the second time that year. Jared didn’t understand. None of these people knew Evan. Why did they feel like they had a right to cry for him? Because of the Connor Project? They didn’t deserve Evan. They didn’t deserve to cry for him. They didn’t notice how much pain he was in. (But Jared did and he said nothing.) 

Jared was sitting alone in the library during lunch. He couldn’t deal with the sympathetic looks from students and teachers alike. Everyone knew he was sort of friends with Evan. As far as everyone knew Evan was friends with Connor. It was like they were worried Jared was going to off himself next. The thought wasn’t exactly appealing, but it wasn’t unappealing either. 

“What happened?” Alana dropped her lunch tray on the table and sat across from Jared. Next to her Zoe stood shifting from side to side awkwardly. 

“Well hello to you to. How am I doing? Great, my best friend killed himself, I’ve never been better.” His words were harsh but he didn’t care. He just wanted them both to leave. 

Alana’s face softened but still held the same determined look. “Jared, what happened?” 

“I’m sure you’ve heard. It’s the only thing people seem to be talking about. Evan Hansen, creator of the Connor project killed himself.” He kept his words short and to the point because what else could he say? 

“But why?” It was Zoe who spoke this time. She looked like she was on the verge of tears. Was Jared supposed to feel bad for her? She had broken his heart. (Jared ignored the voice telling him that their relationship had been built on a lie.)

“Oh I don’t know, maybe because Evan was fucking depressed?” Zoe and Alana looked surprised. Jared couldn’t believe it, had they truly not seen Evan recently? “I don’t know if you two noticed, but Evan’s got-” Jared took a deep breath. “had some pretty bad anxiety. He’s been going to a therapist for years. That’s why he wrote the stupid fucking letter in the first place.” 

“Because of his therapist?”

Jared nodded at Zoe’s question. “Did he not tell you any of this? I figured he would have when everything went to shit.” 

“Evan just, ran away. I was too mad to try and follow. He never told us why, just that he wrote it.” 

“Of course he did. Fucking Evan.” Alana’s hand came to rest on top of Jared’s. He un-clenched his fist and sighed. “Look, I don’t know a lot about Evan was going through because, to put it in the best words, I was a terrible friend, but he was on at least four medications. That’s not counting the ones he’s tried in the past but stopped because of bad side effects. God knows what he had to go on to deal with the truth coming out. I wouldn’t be surprised if they threw more at him.” 

“I, I had no idea.” 

“No one did, Zoe. Evan didn’t want pity so he hid from the world.” 

“Until the Connor Project.” 

“Yeah, until the Connor Project. I still don’t know where he came up with that idea, probably his guilt on using Connor to get an actual family eating him alive.” 

“What do you mean an actual family?” 

Jared stared at Zoe. Did she know anything about Evan? “At home it was just Evan. If he was lucky Heidi would be there for a few hours between work and classes.” 

“Oh.” 

“Yeah, oh. Honestly, after losing everything it doesn’t surprise me Evan did this. Fuck, that hurts to say.” Jared tried to blink away tears. “I saw him, ya know. In the hallway. He looked worse than usual. Dark circles, jumping at everything. He just looked broken. And I ignored it. I ignored him because I was mad. I wanted him to apologize first, then I would and everything would be okay. But nothing is going to be okay because Evan is dead. Evan is dead because I didn’t say anything.” 

“Jared, you can’t blame yourself. If that’s the case then Zoe and I are at fault just as much as you are.” 

“No, you’re not! You two didn’t know Evan, not the real one. You just knew the Evan we created. Evan wasn’t confident. He was a nervous wreck who couldn’t order take-out without crying. He was kind, gentle, and a pathological liar. I knew he was. I knew everything was going to end badly, but I went along with it. Because Evan was happy. It didn’t matter than his happiness was built on a lie because he was happy.” 

“Jared…” 

“Do you know how he broke his arm?” 

“He told me he fell out of a tree.” 

Jared shook his head. “He didn’t fall, he let go. He fucking let go because he thought no one would care if he disappeared. That’s why he letter read so much like a suicide note. Because he fucking tried!” Jared was sobbing. He didn’t care. They were alone in the library. 

“He… He what?” 

“He tried to kill himself, Zoe. He tried and I fucking made fun of him because I didn’t know!” 

Alana had moved to sit next to him. She pulled Jared into a hug. He clung to her crying for the first time since Heidi called him over. At the time he had to be strong for her, but now he could let himself breakdown. 

“Jared, you couldn’t have known.” 

“I called him an acorn, Lana. I’m a horrible person. Everyone keeps looking at me like I’m going to do it next and maybe I should. The world would be better off without me in it.” 

“Jared!” Zoe crossed over to sit on Jared’s otherside. “Don’t say things like that, we’ve lost too many already.” 

“He wrote his note to Connor.” Jared felt Zoe tense next to him. Neither said anything so he took it as his cue to continue. “He wrote it like those stupid emails. Dear Connor Murphy, today’s going to be a good day and here’s why. He said it was over, he was ending it. And he did. He ended it in the worst way possible.” 

“Shh, Jared, it’s okay.” Alana was stroking his hair. Jared was still sobbing. And Zoe was sitting there, unsure of what to do or say. What could she say? Her ex-boyfriend had killed himself. She had spent hours sobbing when Jared had texted her the news. She thought she was done with tears but how could she be? Evan had wrote his note to Connor. He felt so alone that he wrote his note to a dead man. 

“It’s not okay, Alana. Evan’s dead.” 

“We have to do something.” Two pair of eyes looked at Zoe. She cleared her throat and started again. “After Connor died Evan helped him get remembered. The Connor Project keeps him alive, we have to do something for Evan.” 

“I think that’s a wonderful idea, Zoe.” 

“But what? The Evan Project? We can’t run two separate organizations.” 

“Jared’s right. But, we can combine them? Instead of the Connor Project of the Evan Project, a single group.” 

“That could work. Zoe, you were pretty close with Evan towards the uh, the end. What would he have called a joint group?” 

Zoe thought for a moment. She and Evan were close, but close enough for this? She wasn’t sure. She knew him, but she knew the Evan he created, the one he wanted her to know. 

“You Will be Found. That was the name of his speech, right? It sparked a movement, Evan did. I think we should use that.”

Alana nodded in agreement. Jared pulled away from Alana and reached under the table to find his laptop in his bag. 

“If we’re going to do this we need to change the website. We can work on it now but not publish any changes until with talk with Heidi. We should probably talk to your parents too, Zoe. The Connor Project was originally for your brother, we need to be sure they’re fine with this update.” 

Zoe nodded. “I’ll talk to them later tonight if you can talk to Heidi. Alana, you’re still working on the orchard, right?” 

“I can get Evan’s name added to the new sign.” 

“We should change the color scheme, the grays worked with Connor but if this is also going to be about Evan then we need some blue. How about in the banner?” 

“Are we going to have another school memorial? I can talk with Principal Seger about arranging one.” 

“It’d be the best way to get the new message across. Let’s skip out on the buttons with Evan’s face on it.”

Evan was still gone. Jared was still an emotional wreck. But he wasn’t alone. And hopefully no one would be again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fun fact, perditae can mean lost or broken and make me cry at my own titles

**Author's Note:**

> little one shots that go along with retro ad 
> 
> I don't know why I insist on titling things in latin but here we are


End file.
